Without Rhyme or Reason

My dear old Grandmother used to tell me, ‘if you don’t have anything to say, then don’t say anything’.  And she was right. 

I plough on regardless...

Entirely devoid of blog post ideas, I have decided to inflict my poetry on you.  It’s okay, I know it's terrible, please don't feel you have to say anything nice.

I am to poetry what William McGonagall is to...poetry, apparently. I had never heard of him.  I just Googled 'Bad Poets'.

I can only dream of his level of success.

I actually used to think I was quite good at poems.  I am not sure why.  And then I saw the masterpieces that Haze, my Bestie at school, used to produce at a moment's notice (and probably still does when the need arises).

Happy Birthday To You...

...Eventually

I have already touched on the subject of Leap Years here.  But on this auspicious day I thought I'd like to share with you the EPIC poem I wrote for No.2.

On the occasion of his birthday. 

Which is today.

Although, as will become clear, my talent for poetry is Astonishing - my talent for presentation of word documents and the like is about a thousand years behind non-existent. 

For this I apologise.  I would have liked to present you with a visually pleasing item.  Unfortunately that is clearly Not To Be.

Try not to let it hamper your enjoyment.

Today is Your Birthday

The Actual Date

Nasty, Fat Leap Year

Making You Wait

It's a Pea Souper!

It's not, I'm just going to be talking about soup

We took the family out for a meal on New Year's Day - starting, we decided, a New Tradition.

Our Waiter was thoroughly charming and, after he took our drinks order, he ran through the day's 'Specials' and informed us of anything they'd run out of.

(This will probably be better if you say it aloud).

"...so, finally... the Duck Starter is sold out, and our Pea today is Soup.

No, wait...that doesn't sound right..Our Soup today is Pea.

Actually, that doesn't sound much better does it?  Sorry... 

...Anyway...Enjoy!"

I was beside myself.  

And continued to be so for many hours.

Much to the delight of my family.

Freaky Friday...

Or anyone for Fish & Chips?

Friday was an unusual day.

An early morning trip to the vets with the DoNotBreaktheDog dog saw me in the waiting room while she howled through her blood test  (apparently she was as good as gold, just 'sang' the whole time).

After staring at all the toys on the revolving stand, I was left to Read With Interest the various signs and displays on the walls.  Apparently it's Dental Month.

But what really caught my eye was a display about having your pet microchipped.  V important.  The animal has a small chip inserted under their skin and the police and other pillars of the community have a reader (each, presumably) which will help identify the pet.  Marvellous.

Helpfully, someone at the vets had cut out shapes of all the different animals you could get chipped.

They included Dogs, Cats, Guinea Pigs and fish.

Wait....  FISH?!?  For seriously?  What, like goldfish?

TIME FLIES...

Reeling.

I am reeling from an incident I witnessed not two days ago, which illustrated all too vividly the brevity of life.

I was standing in our 'Entrance Vestibule' - as the space between our front door and the rest of our house was somewhat grandly described in the Estate Agents tissue of lies details when we bought our house - looking for my shoes, when a Fly buzzed by.

I am irritated by Flies and their toneless buzzing, and find their life-choices re paddling around in poo baffling; but I wouldn't necessarily want any harm to befall them.

I am also terrified of irritated by Spiders and their hairy-leggedness; but I have allowed Mary to dwell on our Front Door for some months now.

IT'S WRITTEN IN THE STARS...

...or possibly in a misbehaving computer programme

Oh how I laughed when I saw this in this week's Saturday Telegraph...

 You mean the Horoscopes in the magazine may be nonsense?!?  Surely not.

Page 29 did, as promised, show the 'correct version'.  Or indeed the Horoscopes That Will Definitely Come True.

But the magazine version was much, much better.

A WORD IN YOUR SHELL...*you will see what I did there once you've read the post :-)

Words. I really like words.  I even share on this blog interesting ones I find along my merry way, just out of the goodness of my heart.  Well, so far I have shared one, but that still counts.  You have to start somewhere...

But, I say, but, today I am going to share a word I'm not entirely comfortable with. Brace yourselves.

EUROVISION SONG CONTEST. No, You're a Vision Song Contest! (Why did I do that?)

The Eurovision Song Contest...why do I love it so?  I literally have no idea since I rarely see much of it.  When I was a tiddler and capable of staying awake until the end I wasn't allowed to - and now I am old enough...I'm asleep by 9.15pm.

Can't say I'm overkeen on the UK entry this year.  It's approaching 'good', I think, but somehow managed to swerve to avoid it.  But hey!  I can't write songs, so I should just say 'thank you very much for our entry this year' and stop being such a grumpling.  Besides, not liking the song is no bar to supporting one's own dear country.  Indeed, I will also be supporting any Scandinavian countries - and I haven't heard so much of a note of any of their songs.

Denmark, as always, holds top spot in my heart.

WARNING - Klutz at Work

I try, I really do.  Appearances would suggest otherwise, but actually I really do try to :

a)  Look presentable
b)  Not say entirely reprehensible things
c)  Behave in a manner befitting my age and experience

FAIL

I think I should embrace my Klutziness.  It appeared when I was very small and is showing no signs of abating.

Last year I returned to work after 16 years (!) spent bringing up my delightful citizens-of-the-future, Kinder Nos.1-3.
I was very nervous and blah blah blah, but now - after a long period of service (8 1/2 months) - I liked to think I was perhaps making a bit of a name for myself.  Heaven knows I am only going in for 7 1/2 hours a week, spread over three days, to do the filing...but I like to do it with a sense of professionalism and pride.  I file properly.

THE EYES HAVE IT...

Politics.  I know it bothers people when you say you're not interested in politics, but I'm not.  Well, I'm not interested in Politicians is probably more to the point.  I hear them squibble-squabbling and nit-picking at each other - and that I can get from my own dear children, in the comfort of my own home, thank you very much.  I don't need an Elected Official to join in.

I certainly couldn't get excited about the thought of Live Debates. It seems to be a hot topic at the moment though, because I often hear them discussing it on the Radio 4  - just before I start singing show tunes over their voices.

But hold the phone...what is this I spy in my yesterday's paper?
(Saturday paper is always read on a Sunday in my house.  Sunday is a much better paper-reading day).

BUILDING WORK ... I REALLY CAN'T WAIT FOR IT TO FINISH...

It seems I live on a building site - and have done for the past many months - and I am a bit tired of it now *melancholy sigh*.

Nobody likes living among building work (I imagine?) but at least when it's your own you get the lovely outcome at the end of it all.  The extra bedroom, the sunny garden room, the utility room with extra loo...

But we have been surrounded on 3 sides (does that count as 'surrounded'?) by other people's building work and all we have to show for it are frayed nerves, a growing pile of other people's cigarette butts, and a missing garden waste bin.  (Where this went is anybody's guess - it's bloody huge and it's clean disappeared!)

A WORD...

Words.  Ain't they great?
Indeed, Mr W and I first bonded over a Dictionary. (That sounds rude and it really wasn't).

We'd sit in his office randomly dipping into his Chambers Dictionary (still not rude, so why does it sound like it is?) My how we'd laugh at some of the rich and varied words our language offers up.

We'd also derive great entertainment from running together the words at the top of the pages - you know the ones in bold.  For example the top of page 360 in our Chambers bears the gem 'Confound Conglomerate' - which I'm sure many people do. Page 966 has 'Liberty Lick' - which sounds like a porn star.
I imagine.

IT WAS A PECULIAR DAY, AND NO MISTAKE...

Sometimes I feel like an alien visiting from another planet.  Mostly during mealtimes with the family

when they all talk animatedly about some television programme they've all seen but I've never heard of.  Also when I am 'out and about' as well.  (I used the inverted commas there because 'out and about' is not a phrase I usually like to use, but use it I have.  I guess I wanted to separate it in some way from my otherwise 'usual' prose.  There I go again.  What is it with all the ' 's?)

One of my side-lines (apart from being an internationally renowned blogger and sought-after panel show guest) is making wooden Christmas decorations.  I love it. I feel I am one of Santa's Little Helpers - which is either sad or sweet, depending on your viewpoint.

APPEARANCES CAN BE DECEPTIVE ...

I have been 'blessed' with a fizzog which, in repose, looks like I am the most disapproving, snarky, mean person ever in the world ever.  This is most unfair because I am none of those things (except maybe a bit snarky sometimes, but then I'm usually just trying to be amusing).

Basically, I am quite a happy little soul.

This, however, is not reflected on my face.  My face says, 'I am entirely miserable and I heartily disapprove of you'.

This is not me begging for reassurance, this is me being honest after seeing way  too many photographs and videos with me looking for all the world like I despise every person I am spending time with.  Which I do not.

My kids call it my 'Game Face'.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT...

'The Transport of the Future'

When we were kids, my brother and I had a couple of big old books from the 1950s that I think must have belonged to my mum, or her brothers, when they were youngsters.   My brother kept them in his room, mostly because he was the eldest, and partly because I was inclined to 'mark' the pages of books with a red biro.

These old books, among their tales of derring-do, included full page illustrations entitled, 'How the World Will Look in 1975!' These pictures caused us endless amusement with their prophecies of personal flying saucers and hover-highways.

Confidently I proclaimed that all the major developments had already been made.  There would be no more major leaps in technology or lifestyle because, 'if you think about it', I said, with total conviction, 'there is nothing more to invent'.

I know.  What a nob.

ESTATE AGENTS...Agents of whom?

Estate Agents.

(This space is left blank for your own comments).


Well we all have our opinions of Estate Agents.  I did, many years ago, meet a FANTASTIC Estate Agent.  He was faultlessly marvellous but, unfortunately, for the most part I have been frustrated, befuddled and bemused by the Agents I have come into contact with.

FOOD FACTS AND COOKING TIPS...

...From Someone who has been Cooking for Over Thirty Years and has Learnt Almost Nothing

This smiley banana-y face marks the beginning of my New Series of 'Food Facts and Cooking Tips'.

I hope you're excited.

I am a Big Fan of The Great British Bake Off, of Delia Smith, and especially of anyone who can produce a delicious and nutritious meal using 6 ingredients or fewer.  (More than six ingredients and I lose concentration).

However, I feel there is a gap in the market for the rather more basic cooking tips and info.
This is a hole I intend to plug. (Ooh,  sounds rude).  And so I begin...

RESULTS ARE DUE - BUTTERFLIES HAVE LANDED....

GCSE results are out tomorrow for our First Born No.1 Son and distractions are in order. 

I am experiencing severe butterflies and those who know me know I am seriously phobic about butterflies; so imagine my pain.

Yes I know, all very beautiful. But really...yeuch.

How's No.1 Son?  Meh, dunno.  This one is all very much about me.  (I'm kidding, I've been 'supportive' and stuff).

Anyhoo, getting back to the whole 'distractions' thing ...

IT'S A DOG EAT DOG WORLD...

Food.  We have so much choice these days, we really are spoilt ... for choice.  Our beloved pets get in
on the act too.  Witch (the DNBtD dog) is herself partial to a spot of Casserole with Peas and Pasta (courtesy of the good people at Winalot), which is a tad more exotic than the food I present to my children sometimes.

WATER DAY FOR A FIGHT...

Gosh but it's been hot.  Sooo very, very hot. I am talking weather-wise here, in case some of my more sensitive readers were starting to shift uncomfortably in their seats.

It has also been the last week of term, and in the case of No.3, my youngest, my baby girl - it has been the last ever week at primary school.  Yep, she's off to BIG SCHOOL in September.

*gulp* 

We've just done the Leavers' Assembly, which was lovely and personal and very, very emotional - and last week we gave them a Leavers' Party; where they had water pistol fights, a water slide, pizzas and ice-cream.
We raised money to provide everything for the party, but everyone had to supply their own weapon.  So naturally we got our girl the biggest, baddest beast we could find...